Expecting You

a pregnancy, a poem, a playlist

The first sign was feeling carsick for three days straight — but I guess that’s to be expected.

The second was tenderness and extra tears shed — but that’s to be expected.

Next came a faint second line on an early Monday morning — by then it was expected.

After was peace — a feeling unexpected.

Followed by growth of my heart, joy previously unattained, a little ache of disbelief.

Goosebumps at the knowledge of my miracle — I didn’t expect this.

The ocean of love I swim in with those who hold my secret — I never expected this.

The counting of every week, bright with anticipation — to be expected.

The pile of books, the house projects, squeezing into my jeans — to be expected.

A fear of loss bone-deep.

Holding my stomach through the night, praying we wake up still together as one

…was never something I expected.

Time and again she brings my body to its knees, time and again I accept my fragility.

Tears roll biting into watermelon.

Tears roll as her dad cleans the kitchen.

Tears roll when I cancel more plans.

Tears roll singing her songs in the car.

Tears roll as my body aches in its new ways.

Tears roll when I remember her soul lives within me, I am her home.

Tears roll when I gaze into her room, knowing life and sound will replace the silent vacancy.

They speak truth when they say the days aren’t easy, they speak truth when they say the days are beautiful.

But still these are my perfect days, my days expecting you.